The Pro
What a lucky man you are! You’ve found a woman who likes to experiment and be playful in bed. Creativity is the lifeline in a long-term relationship, the antidote to boredom. Be grateful she brings with her a sense of play. And with something as innocent as food, the worst that can happen is that you soil the sheets! Even added calories aren’t a concern since you’ll probably burn more calories having sex than you’d consume in a lick-fest of chocolate and whipped cream!
You do, however, bring up a good point: Are there any foods that are unsafe to get near your nether-regions? The main thing I would caution you about is that sugar can cause women to develop yeast infections. If fact, many women avoid lubricants that contain glycerin for that reason. So if you play with sweet stuff like chocolate or whipped cream, you may want to spread it on your bodies and keep it away from her vaginal area. And if you spread it on your cock for her to lovingly lick off, you may want to keep a wet washcloth nearby so you can clean off any remaining sugary stuff before slipping it inside her.
A quick web search also produced these tips: Be careful to wash any foods intended for sex play, along with smoothing any loose, rough, or sharp areas. Proceed with caution when using products that contain cinnamon, menthol, cloves, or mint. The concentration of these herbs and spices varies and sometimes causes stronger-than-intended sensations. Oily stuff is also questionable, as it breaks down latex condoms, traps bacteria and irritants close to the skin, and washes off with difficulty. Just as with other sugary treats, avoid getting Champagne inside or on the tender parts of the genitals. Erotic shops and websites often stock sugar- and glycerin-free edibles that can safely be used in food-sex play, but if you’re concerned with ingesting natural foods that don’t contain additives with strange, unknown names, be careful to check the ingredients.
Other than that, I would say that anything edible should be fine to smear on each other… well, except for something as obvious as hot stuff. Hot sauce is NOT recommended! To be safe, I would suggest incorporating natural and delicious foods like fresh, juicy fruits in season that you can feed each other and lick off one another’s skin. Let your girlfriend show off her skills as she deep-throats a peeled banana. Cut up a ripe peach and lovingly rub it along her tummy, lapping up the juices that are left behind. Peel her a grape, and feed it to her with your mouth. Mmmmm… I’m getting hungry!
As far as not having any experience with this sort of thing, here’s your chance to pull out the kid in you and just have fun. Be creative, be playful, be sensual, and just do what comes naturally. And if you need some ideas, take a look my movie The Bridal Shower. The very first scene features exactly this—a couple having a picnic, only instead of using plates, they use each other! Eat up!
The Joe
I call shenanigans on this. There is no possible way you have a penis.
For starters, guys don’t ask stupid questions like yours. We ask dumb questions, sure, but ours generally involve how best to fry a turkey. Nor do we refer to our reproductive organs as “nether-regions.” There are hundreds of moronic terms we use when referring to our penises, but this ain’t one of ’em. And we don’t watch arthouse movies about gallery assistants having affairs with Mickey Rourke, regardless of whether or not we get to see Kim Basinger’s boobies in their prime.
So... you’re either a lipstick lesbian (the Lillith Fair variety doesn’t want to take the chance getting non-organic chocolate sauce on their flannel sheets), or you’re asking on your boyfriend’s behalf (any self-respecting man would douse that shit in hot sauce and see what happens).
Since I’m working under the assumption that you can have babies, I’m going to tailor my answer to take that into account. I hope you’ll be able to handle this staggeringly keen insight. You ready?
Google it.
Do you know how many results I got when I searched for “food play sex safe”? Over three million. Go ahead and try it for yourself. See how easy that is? You’ve just taken your first step toward not being an annoying girl.
I apologize if my advice isn’t what you were looking for, but questions like this aggravate me to no end. There are some things you can easily figure out with a few keywords and some persistence. You’re just being lazy.* Al Gore invented the Internet for a reason. Try using it for something other than reading Perez Hilton and stalking your old high school boyfriend.
Anyway, mixing food and sex is stupid. As a “guy,” you’re the one who ends up sleeping in the wet spot. Scrubbing peanut butter out of my pubic hair is the last thing I want to deal with when I wake up. If you really want to bring food into the mix, here’s a tip from Color of Night: As soon as you’re finished having sex, make your boyfriend a steak.
*Mom, if you’re reading this, same goes for you. I’ve showed you how to put music on your iPod a dozen times. If you can figure out how to use Match.com, you can figure out how to drag-and-drop.