The Pro
It’s nice of you to take responsibility for your own insecurities and not want to deprive your husband of something he enjoys. However, maybe there’s a way to share sexy entertainment with him without having to endure feeling inadequate and uncomfortable. That’s certainly not what you should be feeling when sharing such a potentially erotic experience!
One of the biggest obstacles we women face when trying to share the experience of watching porn with our mates is comparing ourselves to the women on screen and assuming our men would prefer those women to us. My friend, sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein, points out that few men actually wish their women looked like the women on screen. If they wished anything, it would be that their women were as comfortable with their bodies and sex as the women on screen. I would add that men are not nearly as hard on us as we are. They’re not looking at us with a clipboard and grading every inch of us - like we usually do to ourselves! When asked, most men will say that what turns them on the most about a woman is seeing her lost in pleasure. Not seeing a perfect-bodied woman, but a woman who responds to their touch, who really gets into what they're doing together.
It’s my belief that most of us watch porn movies to observe the action. The turn-on is in what these people are doing with each other rather than who they are or what they look like.
That said, I always tell a man that if he wants his woman to watch a sexy movie with him, he'd better be sure to make her think she's the one he absolutely desires. He can’t expect you to let loose and have fun if you’re spending the whole time wondering whether he’d prefer to be with the porn bimbette on screen or the siren in a Hollywood flick.
Does your husband convey his desire for you? Does he tell you he finds you sexy? Does he show it in his touch and how he makes love to you? Does he enjoy making love with you regardless of whether you’re watching porn together? Or does he seem to prefer having sex with you only when there’s porn on in the background? These are all important questions in trying to figure out whether it really is just your insecurity or if he’s got an unhealthy fixation with porn that’s getting in the way of being truly intimate with you.
From what you’re saying, it sounds like you two have a healthy sex life and he does indeed desire you. But apparently that’s not enough to quell your insecurities. Working with a counselor to try to improve your self-confidence is always an option. There are other ways to deal with this as well: One thing I’ve suggested to women who would prefer not to watch porn is to make your own. And I’m not suggesting you record yourselves. I’m always cautioning people about the dangers of having explicit footage of yourselves for someone else to find. A fun—and safe—way to “make your own porn” is to plug the camera directly into a monitor or TV without hitting the record button. It can be a real turn-on to watch yourselves in the act, and you don’t have to worry about anyone finding the footage.
There’s always reading erotic stories together and acting them out. Or writing your own erotic stories together. Dress up for your guy and pretend you’re making a porn movie. Act out some of the scenes you’ve watched in other movies. Be his personal porn star! All of these things call on us to be more creative than just sitting back and being entertained, and creativity in bed is essential for keeping the spice in a long term relationship. You might find hidden talents you never knew you had!
Finally, if you feel you still want to indulge your husband without having to watch perfect-bodied porn-valley superstars parading around on screen, try watching amateur porn that features the guys- and girls-next-door. There’s plenty of it around now, and it’s gaining in popularity for both the more realistic people it features and the more genuine and passionate sex they seem to be having. Those perfect-bodied porn stars may look great—and even that’s sometimes debatable—but gorgeous doesn’t always translate in to good lover. I’ll take a moderately good-looking guy who’s great in bed any day over a gorgeous hunk who would prefer to watch himself in the mirror while he does me! And I can assure you that men feel the same way about women!
The important thing is to be honest with your husband and communicate your feelings. You may even find out that he really doesn’t care all that much about watching porn, especially if it’s making you unhappy. Rmember that when we love someone, truly and intimately love someone, they become more and more beautiful in our eyes. When a woman makes a man feel like he takes her places she’s never been before, he’ll always want her as his “first mate!”
The Joe
A man’s relationship to his porn is a sacred bond. The expectations are the same as those of any marriage—in sickness and in health, for better or worse, ’til death do us part—but they’re unspoken, agreed to much earlier in life, and we have a good shot at actually living up to them. In all honesty, it’s probably the healthiest relationship we can ever hope to have. That’s just the way it is. And that’s the way it will always be.
It’s refreshing that you seem to not only understand this, but also accept it without qualification. I’ve heard everything from, “I should be all the sex he needs in his life” to “he should be able to control himself” to “it’s the same as cheating.” The disconnect between what’s expected of us and what we’re capable of is sometimes unfathomably hard to comprehend.
Thankfully, the issue you’re experiencing is little different. So, to help you make these self-image problems a thing of the past, I’ve created a handy-dandy little porn star checklist:
• Lose weight (a girl can never be too thin!)
• Get implants (make sure they are too big for your frame)
• Go to the tanning salon (at least twice a week)
• Purchase a pair stripper shoes (clear heel, no shorter than 4 inches)
• Apply “glamour” makeup (fake eyelashes, at least three shades of poorly blended eyeshadow, lip liner)
• Drink (nothing helps one’s confidence more than a BAC of .15)
• Get younger (this one might be tricky)
However, if you’re not willing to starve yourself, go under the knife, risk skin cancer, develop chronic knee and back pain, ruin a few pillows, damage your liver, and defy the laws of nature, I’ve got another can’t-lose suggestion guaranteed to amaze and astound:
Stop watching porn with your husband.
I got a little sick to my stomach writing that just now, but exercising a little common sense sometimes has that effect. I’m sure your husband appreciates the effort, and having a porn-watching wife makes him the envy of all his fantasy-football playing buddies, but if doing so makes you feel unattractive, then you’re only going to put the kibosh on that great sex life you mentioned.
You’re obviously a wonderful wife, and your marriage is a strong one, so stop trying to fix something that isn’t broken. If you still want participate in his porn-viewing habit, the next time he goes to throw in his copy of The Gapes of Wrath, tell him he can watch it on the big TV downstairs.